A guy who expects happiness

A man resting at the railway with worries. Photo by: applesflyhigh deviantart website

Can you imagine what it is like to be weeks away from a promise that is supposed to last forever? The thrill of the chase is always exciting. But that's not what a real, lasting, loving relationship is all about. Should I really examine my concerns carefully? I use to peer down on watching people move about their daily lives. I wonder how many of them feel desperate, euphoric, or simply dead inside. I've read that when someone is cheating, the other person usually knows it on some deep, inner level. I wonder if any of them are on the verge of losing something huge. I close my eyes and picture the wedding scenes that occur around the world against their hearts. But those images are always short lived, never escaping the realm of "what if." In short, I have no real faith in my own happiness. I'm tired of the warring emotions, the endless cycle of hope and guilt and resentment. I'm tired of wondering what will happen with me. I'm tired of waiting for her. Imagine a short drama in your mind. A guy who carries on a relationship with a married girl for years, hoping, even believing, that she will one day come to his senses and leave his husband. The moment is just around the corner—if she only hangs in there, she won't be sorry in the end. But time passes, and the years only create fresh excuses. The kids are still in school, the husband is sick, a wedding is being planned, and a grandchild is on the way. There is always something, a reason to keep the status quo. But then the excuses run out, and ultimately she accepts that there will be no leaving, that she will always be the second-place finisher for the guy. She decides that second place is better than nothing. She surrenders to her fate. So the guy expects that the fate would intervene in between someday. I have new empathy for these guys, although I do not believe that I have yet joined their ranks. Although am ashamed for being so weak, I think of all the people around the world who have done more pathetic things in the name of love. After so much of waiting, a lifetime of passivity, everything is on the line. I feel relieved and liberated and changed. I am also a guy who expects happiness. I deserve happiness. Maybe I do not expect to get what I want, so I don't. And even though I have much complaint about my life, I do believe that everything happens for a reason. That’s why sometimes some relationships just seem a bit tired.